May 13   “Frozen Fractals All Around”

May 7 – 13 – Systemic Chemo Round 1

I now know more of the secret “backstory” of Disney’s “Frozen” movie.  Elsa’s special gift, of being an Ice Queen, was actually a side effect of her chemotherapy with oxalipilatin.  Had to be.

“Cold sensitivity” doesn’t begin to explain it.  Within the first hour after my first systemic chemo treatment this week, I took a sip of iced tea – thnking nothing happens this quickly, and if so, a straw would make it ok – and thought I’d swallowed shards of glass.  Crazy!!  Touching cold, from refrigerated food to handwashing feels like frostbite – that combination of cold and hot that leaves fingertips numb and tingly.  That was Thursday. Day 1.  Today, Monday, it’s hardly noticeable.  Mom is here this week from Louisiana to help me.  We were all thinking I’d be pretty sick at this point, but NOTHING so far.  Unlike Elsa, I didn’t run and hide from my new found “icy power.”  While I’m a little confused, i’m more amused at the wondreous workings of science and medicine – how these drugs are pumping through my veins and arteries, hopefully attacking my ‘tumor monsters’, changing my blood and cell structure from the inside-out; and the side-effects so far are making me into the greatest Disney character my granddaughter Haley could wish for me – ELSA.

Haley, at almost four years old, has been loving, caring, gentle and truly compassionate from the beginning of “GiGi’s sick tummy”. She has seen the surgery scars, kissed the boo-boos, and gently rubs what she calls my “Pump-Lump” and says “that’ll make it better, GiGi”.  And I know she’s right.

“Let It Go”, Elsa’s big song from the movie “Frozen” was Haley’s favorite song this past year.  She doesn’t sing it non-stop anymore, but she can still sing the whole song on request.

The funniest part to hear her sing, as an almost-4-year-old, is the part of the song I’m relating to this chemo week; and I think it speaks to the way I’m dealing with treatment – and this cold-sensitive pre-neuropathy.

“My power flurries through the air into the ground.  My soul is spiralling in frozen fractals all around.  And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast. I’m never going back, the past is in the past!  Let it go!  Let it go, and I’ll rise like the break of dawn.  Let it go, let it go.  That perfect girl is gone.  Here I stand in the light of day.  Let the storm rage on.  The cold never bothered me anyway.”

“I’m never going back – the past is in the past”

FUNNY and at the same time SOBERING to hear those lyrics sung by a 3 year old.  But think –

if we ALL had that mind-set every day…

It’s how I’ve faced every day since D-Day (diagnosis day March 8).  Positive, full of hope and clarity, only looking forward – not bogging down in the what-ifs and whys.  And as we know,  Pity Parties are the loneliest, most depressing ‘social’ events, ever!

For those of you, who like me, take direction and comfort from Scripture, here’s a favorite one I have clung to for YEARS. – from Isaiah 41 – “fear not for I am with you.  Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God and will give you strength.  I will help you and hold you up with my right hand of righteousness.

And for those of you who like to read and pray in King James’ English accent, vs. 13; “For I, the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.”

And, for those of you, like me, who need mental reinforcement from songs, hear this –

“I’m never going back, the past is in the past – Let it GO!….Let the storm rage on.  The cold never bothered me anyway!”

Fear not.  Let it go and GO forward in strength. Continue in prayer and positive attitudes.

Have a great week, friends!

 

Love,

Susan